Usually I try to keep my life in neat little compartments, the two biggest sections being my CF life and my "normal" life. This all started when I was diagnosed with CF right smack dab in the middle of middle school, the summer between 7th and 8th grade to be exact. At 13 years old, I was afraid of damaging my mildly popular junior high reputation and scaring off the cute boys so I decided to keep my diagnosis to myself. I didn't tell anyone I had CF, outside of family and close family friends, until my senior year of high school when I told my best friend of eight years. Two months later her and I lost contact completely. Whether that was because of CF or something else entirely I have no idea but it is awful coincidental. We haven't spoken in almost three years. This along with the whole fatal disease stigma has left me pretty gun shy about sharing my CF. Not because I want to appear normal, I'm fully aware that "normal" is just another word for boring, but because I'm afraid people will decide it's too much. Too much to handle, too much to talk about, too much pressure, too much too soon. I've never had someone abandon me because of CF or even appear to be deterred by it (besides my high school BFF) but the fear still sticks with me.
When I got out of high school and away from my high school friends I started noticing I was opening up about my CF more and more to friends, family, and even people I had just met. I think CF became more real to me after high school when I was left to make life decisions about a life I wasn't sure I would always be healthy enough to lead. Scary stuff. I like who I am now in that respect, I don't mind talking about CF, I actually enjoy it sometimes. It is such a major part of me and I spend a lot of time keeping myself alive, I deserve to talk about it sometimes. I wish 20 year old me could tell 13 year old me that.
I bring this all up because lately I've found myself pulling away from my old friends and isolating myself from "normal" me's friends and instead only seeking out interaction with CF me's friends. I find that I want to share everything about my life and not just a part of it. Maybe CF is becoming more and more a part of my life... Either way, I feel that if people don't know about my CF then there is no way they can really know me. I was at work today when my high school prom date sauntered in to have dinner with his dad. I say sauntered because he was stinking adorable and I was a little twitterpated. Mhm. He immediately asked if I was working and when I finally worked up the courage to leave my kitchen safe haven and visit his table I felt like I was looking for who to be around him. Which me was I supposed to be? I've known this guy for a pretty long time, we met in middle school and went to church and on several mission trips together, I'd like to think that we will always be pretty good friends. The fact that I felt like a different person around him really unnerved me. I forgot how much I hated "normal" me, CF me is way cooler. He hadn't changed in the years since we last talked in person, I had.
I've read artices, lots of articles, and I know that as CF patients get older and closer to life-changing sicknesses they take a hold of their care and take a real active interest in their illness. Well tah dah, guilty as charged. I just don't know how to undo the past, how to rewrite who I am to my past friends like I am so desperately craving to do. I've taken baby steps, like joining several CF groups on Facebook and even adding my diagnosis to my Facebook bio. This blog was even a baby step in it's own special way. Maybe these little steps will lead me to somewhere... but there's still the fear and general anxiety. Will they think it's too much? Will it scare them away? What if they think CF is gross or weird? Cause it kinda is.
I would love to share this blog with all of my 238 Facebook friends and bring awareness to both this disease and my constant struggle with it. As of now I've only given the link to five or six friends and family members, people who know about my disease and have stuck by my side always (hey reader, that's YOU!).
So here I am, having a full scale identity crisis at 20. Better now than at 40 I guess. I hope that someday I feel comfortable enough to share this, all of this, with both my old and new friends because I think CF me is pretty awesome and I'm proud of who I am today.
When I got out of high school and away from my high school friends I started noticing I was opening up about my CF more and more to friends, family, and even people I had just met. I think CF became more real to me after high school when I was left to make life decisions about a life I wasn't sure I would always be healthy enough to lead. Scary stuff. I like who I am now in that respect, I don't mind talking about CF, I actually enjoy it sometimes. It is such a major part of me and I spend a lot of time keeping myself alive, I deserve to talk about it sometimes. I wish 20 year old me could tell 13 year old me that.
I bring this all up because lately I've found myself pulling away from my old friends and isolating myself from "normal" me's friends and instead only seeking out interaction with CF me's friends. I find that I want to share everything about my life and not just a part of it. Maybe CF is becoming more and more a part of my life... Either way, I feel that if people don't know about my CF then there is no way they can really know me. I was at work today when my high school prom date sauntered in to have dinner with his dad. I say sauntered because he was stinking adorable and I was a little twitterpated. Mhm. He immediately asked if I was working and when I finally worked up the courage to leave my kitchen safe haven and visit his table I felt like I was looking for who to be around him. Which me was I supposed to be? I've known this guy for a pretty long time, we met in middle school and went to church and on several mission trips together, I'd like to think that we will always be pretty good friends. The fact that I felt like a different person around him really unnerved me. I forgot how much I hated "normal" me, CF me is way cooler. He hadn't changed in the years since we last talked in person, I had.
I've read artices, lots of articles, and I know that as CF patients get older and closer to life-changing sicknesses they take a hold of their care and take a real active interest in their illness. Well tah dah, guilty as charged. I just don't know how to undo the past, how to rewrite who I am to my past friends like I am so desperately craving to do. I've taken baby steps, like joining several CF groups on Facebook and even adding my diagnosis to my Facebook bio. This blog was even a baby step in it's own special way. Maybe these little steps will lead me to somewhere... but there's still the fear and general anxiety. Will they think it's too much? Will it scare them away? What if they think CF is gross or weird? Cause it kinda is.
I would love to share this blog with all of my 238 Facebook friends and bring awareness to both this disease and my constant struggle with it. As of now I've only given the link to five or six friends and family members, people who know about my disease and have stuck by my side always (hey reader, that's YOU!).
So here I am, having a full scale identity crisis at 20. Better now than at 40 I guess. I hope that someday I feel comfortable enough to share this, all of this, with both my old and new friends because I think CF me is pretty awesome and I'm proud of who I am today.
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