That past couple of days have been rough. I am a worrier by nature so all of this port a cath business has me worrying myself in circles. These are some of the conversations I've had with my family and close friends over the past few days:
- While the port a cath is the best option for me since I refuse to go through with another scary PICC line, I still don't like my options.
- This is my first real taste of "hey, you're actually sick" and I don't like it one bit. So yeah, I'm scared.
-What if I don't like it? What if it's so unsightly that I just can't stand it? That one is really freaking me out because right now I live a relatively normal life with little to no restrictions or obvious outward signs of CF. I know it's just vanity but I can't help it... I'm freaked out!
- I really wish I didn't have to make this choice. I wish it was a nonissue.
-But it is an issue so I have to deal with it and process it. The port works for so many CF patients and they love it.
Today was a better day than yesterday (at least I wasn't crying every 10 minutes). I'm hopeful that by Friday my nerves will have calmed and I will be able to hold it together. I know I will feel 95% better after I speak to Dr. Hulka (surgeon) and see the placement and talk about the size again. That will help... A lot. My dad and sister have been so great even though I haven't. As a family friend said when we had coffee yesterday, my "mental framework" is a little shaky and my moods are following suit. Sheesh, what a mess! Like I said, it's getting better but I'm still nervous, scared, freaked, and ready for all of this to be over.
I'm still not sure if I will be released after the port placement or if I will opt to stay for the night so they can start my IV antibiotic course in the hospital as opposed to at home by a home healthcare worker the following week. Decisions, decisions...
You'll know when I know! Though I'm not even sure anyone is reading this. How embarrassing would it be if I'm just talking to myself out here in cyberspace?
A very special thank you to Dad, Aunt Maria, Cierra, Allie, and Kim for being there for me in my various times of need. I don't what I would do without these wonderful people.
Well, sign me up for treatment. I am addicted to the bog already in no small part because you are so freakin' funny. (Jake will tell you that I have just used a bad word!) I think you should forgo any thoughts of a career outside of angst filled writing. 1. You are very good at it (not just the angst-filled part--) and 2. they say the best writers draw from their personal experience! At any rate the Stempeck sense of humor comes SHINING through and I suppose we have your father to thank but don't tell him I said so. He is so hard to live with already! Love you so much, you lunatic. -Aunt M
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